12 April 2023

i can't sleep. my mind is troubled.
i don't want to grow up. i want to stay a little girl forever, shielded by her strong father. i don't want to go out into the world. i will get hurt.
i wish i could stay young forever. i am not ready to grow up. i have never learnt how to be an adult.

i have responsibilities. i am tired. i don't want them. i want to lay in bed and go out and take pictures and read books. i don't want to get up earlier than the rest, clean the whole house, prepare food, be strong for my siblings. i want to be a person too.

father,i am selfish. i am so so selfish. i will eat you. i will rip your skin apart to close my open wounds. i will stutter apologies but keep ripping ripping ripping. i am sorry father. i am so selfish.

why am i so difficult? why am i such a difficult child?
why can i never be satisfied with what i have?
i have everything a happy person would want.
a home, an education, friends, a bedroom, free food .. then why am i so unhappy?
why do i still bitch and moan?

sometimes, i want to be held and loved like a little girl.
other times, i feel like i don't have the right to be sad.
everything that happened to me was something i inflicted upon myself .

i drank, i smoked, i cut, i ran away from home multiple times.
i am the one who wants to destroy themselves.
i am the one who doesn't seem to be happy when things are going good.
everytime my life is good, neutral, happy, i get restless.

i want to destroy myself. i want to self sabotage. i want to drown in unhealthy coping mechanisms.

i realise i can't always live like that. at some point, i have to be an adult and recover to live a normal adult life.
i can't always keep hurting myself to look pitiful, to get pity, to get attention, to be held and loved.
i just want to be held and loved.

i want to be used. i want to be hit. i want to feel it.
no. no i don't
no i am.. in pain. i'm in so much pain. i'm drowning i can't breathe i am drowning --

and it doesn't matter. because i turn my head, and everyone around me are drowning in some way too, and i am not the only one who needs a lifeline.
i need to help myself. i need to get out of the miserable shackles i have made and be normal.

just be normal. how hard is that? how hard?

be normal be normal be normal be normal be normal be normal

.. it hurts. i can't be normal. i will never be normal.
i have destroyed myself. i can never be normal.
i can pretend, and i will pretend, but i can never be normal never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have fantasies, sometimes.
fantasies about running away with a wealthy middle aged man, who will love me and care for me and hold me.
no worries, no responsibilities, just us. just me and him, in the moonlight, inhaling each other's smoke.
i want to be treated well by him. i need him to never leave me.
i have no purpose if he would leave me. who am i then? i need him to be there for me.

but then.. what if i get old? and wrinkled and i am not appealing? who will care for me like a girl then?
no one. the world is cruel and i will be so so alone.
then what? should i just die..?

i am fixated on fantasies. i do not enjoy the present, nor even try to. once again, i am selfish.